Jack Lancaster

Using a form or an experiment that was less focused on the words was surprisingly difficult for me. I thought it would be easier for me honestly, because I thought it would take less time. But on the contrary- it took MUCH longer than my writing experiment in experiment one. I think this is a result of it being so outside my comfort zone. I have recently begun to consider myself as a writer- I am still unable to see myself as a photographer. But that’s starting to change a bit, particularly in what I think I can do with this form after this experiment. Using the polaroid not only made it easy to develop the pictures and has the natural frame, as well as the culture frame of polaroids, but it in engaged the people I was photographing more. It became a starting conversation point which allowed me to feel like I felt more comfortable. It’s easy to find people willing to spend two minutes to photograph for a class project- it’s much harder to engage them in serious conversations, even friends who I’m close with. But I think actually prompting conversation about the loss they wanted to talk about allowed them to have more interesting “captions” for their photos. For example, the subject whose shadow is captured in the plant photograph felt guilty that she hadn’t “really” known loss because she couldn’t remember the major deaths in her life and had never really gone through a relationship. These plants were a symbol of loss but she didn’t feel particularly challenged by it, of course. What was interesting about this is that the guilt she felt meant that she didn’t want to experience loss, but sometimes felt that her own emotions and struggles were trivial in comparison to others who were going through loss. To me, this was the perfect answer to part of the questions I was asking during my proposal as it showed a different way in which someone viewed loss. Indeed, each subject, including my self-portrait, discusses a much different type of loss. I loved that the subjects I chose each chose a very unique experience.

But I don’t think the photo essay is necessarily the best way of paying homage to Blaze as my original piece does. While it is rooted in his story and inspired by my imagination around the events following his death, it isn’t about his story. This is not to say I want it only to be subject specific, but I think for where I am at in my thoughts with these experiments, I feel drawn back to continuing to write about Blaze. The photo essay isn’t the perfect form for this since I of course cannot take photos around this specific event unless I were to fly to California and be extremely invasive, which is something I am not willing to do. That’s why I’m excited for my third project on found poetry through social media commentary on Blaze, as it is equally (if not more) out of my comfort zone, but helps me use Blaze’s story as a place to spiral out from to write about the experience of gay youth in a time when the public thinks acceptance is ubiquitous and ignores many of the existing struggle.

This being said, I am proud that I did something novel for me because I wouldn’t have done this kind of project on my own onus. Additionally, I think it helped me become a better interviewer. This skill will not only help me in my writing, but will help me in my conduct should I do research at the university, or while talking to community members in the neighborhoods that my group at Goldman Sachs invests in. Additionally, I simply have fun using the polaroid. I love the idea of documenting my experiences through polaroids as more of a hobby. They are truly amazing vehicles for capturing memory.